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GREG GUTFELD: The media is gearing us up for the ultimate showdown between Biden and Trump

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Happy Thursday, everyone. Well, it’s day eight without Kat on the show. As you know, she’s on her honeymoon and I think she sent us a video.

KAT TIMPF: Hey, Greg, I’m still on my honeymoon. I’m in Germany, and I know I always laughed, when you talked about all the movies you made here in the nineties, but you’re actually super famous here. Everyone keeps telling me how much they miss their dirty Hasselhoff.

It’s true, it took me three years to get the stench out. Anyway, do you feel you’re being primed for something like the UFC does for weeks before their next big pay-per-view? The media is trying to gear up for the ultimate showdown between Biden and Trump. Fighting out of the red corner with a record of one and one standing six-foot-three, 245 pounds, hailing from Mar-a-Lago, Florida, by way of N.Y.C. Donald the disrupter Trump, and fighting out of the blue corner with a record of 50-years of mistakes and two years of embarrassments standing six-feet-tall, napping at three-feet-tall, and weighing in at 180 pounds, depending on his last bowel movement, Joe the demented old circus monkey Biden. 

See how fair and balanced that was. Talk about a build up, right?

President Biden (right) has suggested Donald Trump's political base is

President Biden (right) has suggested Donald Trump’s political base is “semi-fascist.”
(Photo by James Devaney/GC Images  |   Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)

You got January 6th theater. Then you got the raid and all the phony stories that followed. First, it was the nuke secrets, then it was empty folders, what’s next? Did he take the office hole puncher? That’s the nickname for Amorosa. Oh, I don’t even know what it means. I have no idea what that means. 


Then came Joe’s speech, fascism, civil war, a blood-red backdrop that would give Dracula the willies. But if you forgot, here’s a clip.


Of course, Trump makes a perfect distraction. It’s like when Cavuto wears bike shorts to a funeral. But when every metric reveals failures of left wing policies, why wouldn’t you try to deflect to the guy who tracked cameras, like me getting out of a limo and a micro skirt? Yeah, you’re thinking about it, though. That’s all I want. I want you to go home and think about it. They’re pretending not to. But the media wants Trump back. And why not? Let’s compare the last two presidents.


No wonder they missed the guy. So maybe it’s time to ask ourselves, do we miss him, too? Right? Because remember, he causes serious emotional responses in people. He’s like the human version of chasing a cigarette with a large black coffee. You know, you get nervous, your heart starts beating, and you start looking for a toilet. I have friends that can’t talk about him without physically changing. Just check out my neighbor Steve when I mention Trump.


Yes. I imagine this is how my exes feel whenever they see me on TV. It’s, okay, we all won. 


But this is what I tell them. I mean, I don’t even know what it means again, but this is what I tell never-Trumpers. No one says you have to like the person who works for you. And when Trump is president, he’s working for you, just like a doctor, a garbage man or if you’re Hunter, a hooker. Trumps our nation’s waiter. Hi, my name is Donald, and I’ll be your server for tonight. This evening’s specials are law and order, building a wall and laughing at the losers and haters. 

Hunter Biden said in a 2014 email that he would be "happy" to introduce his business associates to a top Chinese Communist Party official to discuss potential investments.

Hunter Biden said in a 2014 email that he would be “happy” to introduce his business associates to a top Chinese Communist Party official to discuss potential investments.
(Photo by Teresa Kroeger/Getty Images)

The fact is, people who make your life better, they can suck. If I had to undergo emergency surgery, I don’t need to like the doctor. I take a great doctor who’s a straight up a-hole over a charming, handsome fellow who removes the wrong kidney, or forgets to put it in the one I bought off eBay. So, yeah. I’ll take Dr. Jekyll over. Dr. Jill. After all, one’s fictional and the other’s Dr. Jekyll. Hah! That was funny. But look, successful people tend to be relentless and rude, right? 

And if people hate Trump, that’s good because chances are they hate him because he really works for you and makes them work hard too. Plus, he scares people, is that so bad? I want my doctor, lawyer, agent, astrologist to be feared because that means they don’t take no for an answer. If you’re a pro-athlete contract negotiation time, do you want Don Knotts or Don Rickles? 


Trump might have been a prick when he was out for himself, but when he transferred that energy to us, well, that’s magic. Think about why Biden’s been around forever. He’s not looking out for you. He was always out for himself. He didn’t lead, he cut self-serving deals the way his son cuts lines of coke. Thick. But what did Trump used to say?


So why did he mean that? It’s because of the desires for his success mapped directly onto yours. But to never-Trumpers, he feels like their scariest boss, while behind Kamala. But their error, their mistake, is assuming that they’re beholden to Trump when it’s the opposite. He’s not your boss. He works for you. And you want a monster like him working for you at all times. 

Of course there is a price. He’s like Mike Tyson. There was nothing like him in the ring, but something so relentless can’t be turned off. The fight goes on after the bell is rung. Like after an election. When the bell rang, Trump kept fighting. That’s part of the deal. Sorry. 


So do you want some energy monster that’s on your side or some back slapping, seemingly congenial bureaucrat who will tell you to relax when your gas bill doubles, and you can’t afford meat? In a few months, Joe’s going to change the definition of food and force you to eat bugs. So unless they need a fourth for shuffleboard, you don’t need Joe. That’s the choice. The brainless napping mutt you have now or the pit bull waiting in the wings. I say you need the dog the media hates because he won’t do what they say, he does what you say? Sure, every once in a while, this pit bull is going to take a dump on the rug. But that’s all he has in common with Biden.

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